Sunday

On Friday, Mike and I agreed we needed to make it a priority to get to church over the weekend.  It has been awhile (again) and I have used the same excuses (again), ie it's Jacob's naptime, or he nurses then, or whatever else you want to fill in. 

No matter how you look at it, we were making priorities, and not the best ones.

So, Sunday morning, we went to the 9 am service.  When we arrived, a friend who works for EBC, came up to me and said, if i didn't see you this weekend, i was going to email you.  YES, I need that.  I need to be held accountable.  I need to realize that us not being there is noticed.  I miss seeing her.  I used to see her at least once a week.  Now, unless I make it to church, I'm lucky to see her once a month. 

The sermon was on Love One Another.  It was EXTREMELY well timed and much needed.  Basically, the ones you love are the ones you hurt the most.  And, there are 3 things to do to show your love:

1. Be devoted to a few
2. Be truthful with each other
3. Overlook each other's faults

The first is something I have REALLY worked on the past few years.  I learned (with help) to say no.  No to extra things, no to uncessary things, no to keep my sanity.  How can you truly be devoted to hundreds of people?  you can't.  So pick a few.  I know who my few are, and now to work on the rest.

Bob spoke about ways to show love, be kind, be devoted, encourage, speak the truth in love, BE PATIENT, and forgive one another.  I have defintely not been these things lately (besides to Jacob).  I've been stressed, nagging, and def not patient.  Rather than snapping an answer, and then wondering why the conversation is over, I need to practice patience and kindness.  I need to work on overlooking faults. I have them, and I wouldnt want someone to constantly point them out to me, and if they did, I hope it would be in a loving way, which i have also not done. 

I have a choice in how I respond, and lately, I'm not liking my choices.  Thank God for grace. 

The sermon was what I needed.  A reminder.  A nudge.  A wake up call.  I want things to go a certain way, and then when they don't I wonder why.  A harsh word, an intentional sigh, a look.  A verse from our wedding to remind me of that day:

Love is patient and kind...it doesn't demand its own way, is not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrongs.  1 Cor. 13:4-5

And since Sunday, I've slipped, and it's only Tuesday.  I've apologized, probably not as much as I should.  This morning, EBC posted the 3 things again on FB.  Another nudge.  It's a new day, try again. 

Be patient.  Be kind.  Be loving. Here's the whole sermon if you are interested.

And guess what?   We were home, Jacob nursed, and asleep by 10:35....Now, depending on the surgery will decide on this Sunday for church.  But, the following weekend I will be there.  And the weekend after that.  So Kar, if I'm not there, email me.  Because I sometimes I need a nudge, other times, it takes a sledgehammer.

Wordy Wednesday

Random thoughts...

1.  I have been consumed with reading up on weaning.  I thought it was supposed to be "natural", "easy", "intuitive", "insert other big words here", but it's not.  It's confusing and complicated.  I'm sick of pumping, but don't want to run out of stashed milk before a year.  And I want to stop pumping at work at the end of October, and will continue to nurse in the morning and at night as long as Jacob wants, or until I get tired of it.  Honestly, if i was a SAHM, I would probably continue to nurse until he lost interest.  I love the extra snuggles and the health benefits of it.  For us it's a good fit.  Pumping though is a pain.

2.  We now pay more for daycare than we do our mortgage.  Ouch.  But, i LOVE LOVE LOVE his daycare, so it's worth every penny.

3.  It's hard to believe in a month and a half I will have a one year old.  My lil boy is getting so big.

4.  It sucks working two days in a row.  Technically, w/ Labor Day, surgery on Friday next week, which means the following week has Monday off also, I won't work a full 5 day week until the last week of September.  But it's only day 2, and I'm not liking this work everyday deal. 

5.  We have new tenants in our building at work. I am extremely jealous cuz they have a foosball table.  Really, I want to go work where i can play foosball and get paid for it.

6.  Before, Jacob refused to let us feed him, and loved to eat veggies.  For about the past week, he won't eat table food veggies for me, but will let me feed him the baby food veggies, and mix in the table food.  Fruit, turkey and black beans are by far the fav foods.

7.  Jacob LOVES to have us read to him.  The same 3 books, over, and over, and over.  I can now repeat these 3 books w/o looking at the pages.  But it is super cute when he gets a book and works SO hard to crawl over to you while carrying it.

8. For as much as he loves his Sesame Street At The Zoo book, he did not care when we actually took him to the zoo.  Maybe next year.

9.  I'm ready for fall and all things pumpkin.

10.  I'm already going through Netflix withdrawals being back at work.  Got hooked to way to many shows and Pinterest. 

11.  Took a trip to the apple orchard, sad it didn't work out to go with the Wildts, but nap time got in the way. 

Blogs Worth Reading

Ok, I know I just did a blog, but i had to share two things with all of you, or the two that I know follow....
Sometimes, it feels like I type this long thing, and POOF!  off it goes into the world, and know one notices.
(If a tree falls, in the forest, do we hear it, do we care? RE-cycle, RE-cycle, recyle now, there's nothing to it if you just now how...4th (?) grade concert at school...)

Anyways, there were two great blog posts I had read this week, on both spectrums.  One is serious, and I emailed to a lot of my friends, just becuase I felt it had lifted my spirits, and wanted to pass it on to others, and the other one will be humorous to any friends who have coslept with their baby, and if you have no kids, keep in mind for if you do cosleep (or dont, either way, no judging from me!!)

http://thehonesttoddler.com/big-bed/
I want to have a rational discussion about the big bed. I am a reasonable human being and don’t like to see anybody get their feelings hurt.
Daddy, this post is specifically for you as I can tell you are struggling with your place in this family during the night hours. The question looms every single evening: Who does mommy belong to?
It’s easy for me to point out the obvious fact that she and I are blood relatives while you two seem to have some sort of contractual relationship, but I want to acknowledge your emotional problems. Who wouldn’t want to snuggle with her? She’s soft and smells great.....

On a side note, Adam would disagree that his momma smells great.... Bahahaha smelly armpits!!

http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2012/08/dear-sweet-mom-who-feels-like-she-is.html

Dear Sweet mom who feels like she is failing,

You're not.

If you and I were sitting in Starbucks and you had your fave drink and I had my Caramel Macchiato I'd look at you, and I'd tell you the truth - you're not failing.

I know. I'm guessing, you'd wipe away the tears, and look up, and try to nod your head, but inside, inside well, you'd think that those are nice words but seriously she has no idea. You know why I know? Because I've sat in a coffee shop, across from a friend, a friend who looked me smack in the face and told me that I wasn't failing and that I was doing a great job....

Baking Shenanigans

So, if you know me, you know I love to bake.  Typically I bake without issues.  Yes, my kitchen is a COMPLETE disaster, and I eat more dough than I bake, but Saturday was more than a mess in my kitchen.

I had a zucchini to bake up, and since Jacob was taking an epic nap, I figured I would bake up something pumpkin as well. Both had massive issues.  And there are several witnesses.

With the zucchini, Mike had wanted a chocolate cake.  The recipe is listed below, it's really good with ice cream.  So I mixed the cake, poured it in the bundt pan and popped it in the oven.

While that was baking, I started on the Pumpkin Pops.  I had mixed up all the dough when the Wildt family showed up to visit.  While the boys stole toys from each other (the little boys, not the big boys...) I figured  I would get the pumpkin baking.  As I am pouring the batter into the muffin tins, I heard some popping in the oven.  I opened the oven, and thought my pan had shattered.

There was white batter dripping onto the bottom.  Note the color, i was making a chocolate cake...

I said to Serena and Mike, that I thought the pan cracked.  So, I pulled the pan out, and realized it was applesauce.  I lifted up the pan, and wedged in the middle of the underside was a package of applesauce.  Seriously. 

I must have set the bundt pan on top of the container and put in the oven without realizing it.  (I did test my theory later last night, and yes, it does stick.  The container was in the oven for about 40 minutes before it started leaking.  Mike popped the container off, and back into the oven it went.  (Side note, cake still tastes yummy!)

So, after that fiasco, I finish baking the pumpkin pops.  I'm talking with Serena (obviously not a good combo for me and baking.)  Once they are done baking, I melted the butter, added the cinammon and sugar, and tried to roll the pumpkin pop in the butter.  While doing this i realized the stupidity in what i had done, and Serena got to watch the lightbulb finally click in my brain. 

Yes, I was supposed to melt the butter.  And mix sugar and cinammon.  But not mix the two together.  And I did try, but no, it does not work to roll the pumpkin in the sugar butter. 

So, I then started from scratch with new butter, and proceeded to run out of both cinammon and sugar.  So, half of the bites aren't sugared, but they still taste good.  Luckily, it all still tastes good, but seriously, I dont even know how the thought even crossed my mind that I should dump the sugar into melted butter...

Pumpkin Poppers

• 1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp. nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp. allspice
• 1/8 tsp. ground cloves
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 3/4 cup pumpkin
• 1/2 cup milk

For Coating

• 1 stick unsalted butter, melted
• 2/3 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp. cinnamon
• Preheat oven to 350 F and spray mini muffin tins with non-stick cooking spray.
  
  Combine flour, baking soda,salt, and spices in a bowl and whisk until combine.
  
  In another bowl, mix oil, brown sugar, egg, vanilla, pumpkin, and milk.  Pour in flour mixture and mix until just combined.  Fill mini muffin tins until almost full and bake 10-12 minutes. 
  
  Melt butter in small bowl.  Mix sugar and cinnamon in a separate small bowl.  After popper cool for a few minutes, dip them in the butter and roll them in the sugar mixture.  Enjoy.  :)

Zucchini Chocolate Cake

Ingredients

• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 cups white sugar
• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 4 eggs
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable oil
• 3 cups grated zucchini
• 3/4 cup choc chips

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease and flour a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2. In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon. Add the eggs and oil, mix well. Fold in the chips and zucchini until they are evenly distributed. Pour into the prepared pan.
3. Bake for 50 to 60 minutes in the preheated oven, until a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool cake completely before frosting with your favorite frosting.

10 Month Update

Dear Jacob,

You are 10 months old already.  I find it hard to believe that last year at this time i was so anxious to meet you and we still had 2 months to go!  For as quickly as these past 10 months have gone by, I know the next 2 months are not going to magically slow down.

Teddy Bear Park

Especially since I think you will be walking before you are a year old.  You stand up for a few seconds at a time, and get more confident each time.  If I clap or praise you, you pitch forward or promptly sit down. 

The new thing in the past month is your love of books.  There are 3 books that are your favorites.  A Truck book that you will pull off the shelf (along with every other book until you find that one), sit down, and look through it.  Occasionally you make truck noises when you look at.  The other one is the Taggie book, you like the animal noises we make reading to you, and that you can see yourself in the mirror.  THe newest favorite is Sesame Street At The Zoo.  You will crawl across the room with the book, climb up on us and wave the book in our face until we read it to you, multiple times.

First Haircut!

This month, I saw what a handsome little boy you will be.  Daddy said you were looking like a "Hippy baby" and that you needed your haircut.  Actually, he's been saying that for a few months, but I kept fighting him.  I can't believe how much hair she cut off, and how cute you are, but you look like a little boy, not a baby!  I'm not ready for that yet!
You've had a few illnesses in the past month, between ear infections, a new tooth, a "tumble" out the car, and a stomach bug.  But, overall, you've been a happy baby boy.  You make new faces where you hold your fists up, squeeze them, and grunt.  THe other is scrunching up your nose and eyes and having the biggest grin on your face.

The daily dance party is starting to pay off.  When you hear music, you will kick your lil legs, or bounce up and down.  I can't wait until you know how to do the sprinkler, lawn mower, or the grocery cart.  I will know then that my job as a parent is complete... :)

You can sign "All Done" with the best of them.  You are very adamant about it, and it's more like you are waving down a vehicle, but it gets the point across.  Usually, it's when I'm trying to make you eat more food, you sign all done, but if i put down fruit, you gobble it right up.  There's always room for fruit with you. 

Random Facts:
Weight:  22 lbs
Clothing:  6-12 months, some 12-18
Fav Veggie:  Peas
Fav Fruits:  Watermelon or peaches
Toys you can't live without:  ball, giraffe, activity table
Teeth:  4, but you just cut another this week

You would try to make a mad dash to the water when you got bored

Today is a bittersweet day.  This is the last week I will be home part time with you.  I already miss it, and the time i have to spend with you.  I know I will really miss those times when I bring you up for a nap and you just snuggle right in.  I will miss taking morning walks with you and Selby.  But, I am so lucky

Love you so much more than you know!!
Momma

LOOOONG Week...

*** i thought i had posted this last week...whoops****
It's been a long week.  Last Tuesday, Mike had surgery.  Again. 

Jacob had a stomach bug, was sick all weekend and threw up on me.  After the bug went away, he started getting a cold on Sunday.

I missed work on Friday from Jacob being sick.  I'm already behind with only working 3 days a week, and right now i am so behind I'm barely staying afloat.  I'm overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to complete in the next 5 days, and then in the next month. 

After being shut up in the house since Thursday with a sick baby, I wanted to escape.  So, on Tuesday, I thought it would be fun for Jacob and I to go to Hudson for the afternoon.  He loves going on walks, so the thought of strolling thru downtown Hudson to window shop while Jacob chattered and flung his arms around was appealing.  The day did not go quite as I had envisioned.

I almost broke my baby's head.  Seriously.  As in still today when i think of it, my eyes burn. 

I had parked in Hudson, on a hill.  Got out, grabbed the stoller, set up the stroller on the sidewalk, and unbuckled Jacob from his carseat.  I then was wondering, did i lock the stroller?  I didn't want to put him in the stroller and have it start rolling down the hill.  So, I turned to check the stroller again.  Seriously, it was a few seconds max.  As I turned back to the SUV, I am watching in slow motion as my baby is falling face first out of the vehicle.  I'm not close enough to catch him, so I watched my baby hit his head on the concrete curb and start wailing.

I scooped him up and squeezed him to me, thinking how in the world did that just happen.  He's sobbing, I'm sobbing, checking him, making sure he has all his teeth, no blood, etc.  In mere seconds, he propelled himself out of his carseat, onto the seat of the SUV, and across the seat to the open door.  He then tumbled out onto the concrete.  I felt HORRIBLE.  as in worst mother of the year.  I'm supposed to make the world safe for him, not leave car doors open for him to fall out of.  I didnt realize he could crawl THAT quickly. 

After calming both of us down, I called the clinic.  Due to the height of the fall, the fact that he hit concrete, and not something softer, that he had a bump on the head, and since he has a cold, so I can't tell difference in symptoms of a head injury vs. a cold, they wanted us to come in.  The appt was still 2 hours out (since he wasn't having the major signs, seizure, passed out, etc) we walked along in Hudson.  I was still crying intermettenly, having cried while talking to the appt desk, the triage nurse, and Mike.  (as you will see in the video, Jacob was having a fun time in Hudson, head injury or not).

At the doc, we discovered (surprise, surprise) that Jacob has yet another ear infection, lucky number 5.  I hated being there, as the poor guy had already gone thru a traumatic day, and he knows what's happening when the doc comes at him with the ear scope and starts screaming.  The doc called Children's Hospital, and based on the recommendations of both docs, we were sent to the ER at Childrens.  THey wanted to do a CT scan on him to make sure there were no fractures.

We get there, and i have to tell the story to 3 different people.  I felt like CPS was going to come in and snatch my baby away.  I thought i was doing a good thing to check the stroller, not realizing that he would catapult out of the carseat. 

We go back to have the CT scan done.  At Childrens, the room is COVERED in Sesame street stuff, and has colored lights on the ceiling.  They have toys to divert the attention, and the staff is very good at dealing with babies.  It was horrible watching them lay him onto the table, swaddling him, then strapping down his body adn then his head to the table.  He screamed.  They gave me a light up toy to help distract him.  He screamed.  Then, she gave him a nuk dipped in sugar water.  And he was fine.  They ran the scan.

NO FRACTURES! i didn't break my baby's head.  We were told he would likely have a headache for a few days, but he could go home and looked fine.  Thank you God. 

Last night I rocked my baby to sleep (i know, i paid for it tonight at bedtime) and cuddled him, smelling his sweet baby smell and was so thankful nothing worse had happened. 

Tonight, was a rough night for bedtime.  He fought me for over an hour, before I gave up and rocked him again to sleep.  I figure with a cold and ear infection, whatever.  I know it's not helping, but we have an appt with an ENT next week, so why start a new thing before then?  I had planned on getting some work done tonight from home, but a dear friend had sent me a link to a blog on sleeping.  And then i was sucked into the vortex of reading a new blogger. 

The blogger's advice on poor sleeping? Acceptance.  Knowing that it may suck now, but will eventually turn around.  Please Lord, turn it around soon...

Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to just get that out.  The feeling of being majorly overwhelmed has been persistent and strong this past week.  I feel like everything is more out of whack as each day progresses, and that I am falling behind in everything.  I feel like everything is holding on by a thread, and I'm scrambling to keep it all together. 

It's so hard to not judge how you feel as a parent, and this week feels like a total fail.  I'm so behind at work, it's not funny.  I think it would be easier if my bosses were jerks and hounded me about stuff, but they are not.  I could not ask to work for a better group of people.  It's my own drive, and knowing how much stuff i have to catch up on that is daunting. 

I wonder how mother's who work full time do it.  I feel like I am failing at both parenting and my career with working part time.  I know too that part of it is my Type A personality.  And I tell myself that I am doing fine with both my career and parenting.  But, the war that goes on between the two sides is still raging.  I know which one I hope will win does. 

Expectations

There are a lot of things that have not met my expectations about being a parent, and other things I did not expect at all.  I'm a planner, I like knowing what's going to happen and when.  I like to be able to rely that something is going to happen at a set time.

These past 2 years have challenged my expectations more than I could have thought possible.  While overall, the hopes and goals have been met, it was not on the timeline I thought it should/would be.  God definetly had a few laughs over my plans....

Last weekend was my brother's grad party from college.  He has a degree in criminal justice, and plans on becoming a cop.  We went up to celebrate with him, and had fun.  Then the witching hour started rolling in, aka 7:00 pm.  Jacob NEEDS to be in bed by 7 we have found.  If not, there is complete hell to pay by him waking up about every 30-60 minutes all night. 

I NEVER wanted to be one of "those" parents that had to leave a function, or plan their day around the baby's sleep schedule.  I wanted to be the kind where the kid could roll with the punches, and sleep wherever; whenever.  That we could lay him down when he got sleepy, and if it was past "normal" bedtime, no biggie, he will just sleep in the next day.  That playing outside or with family would have wore him out, and blissful sleep would have taken over and he would be a snuggly cute sleeping until the next morning.

Yea, God has had a LOT of laughs over my plans.

So far, it's only been one night that he has only woken up once.  A "good" night is waking up twice, an average night is 3 times, the past few nights, has been about every 30-60 minutes ALL NIGHT (granted, he has a stomach bug, so that's why).

But, it sucks having to leave when everyone else is there, and trying to explain to people why you are leaving.  It seems like most people i know were blessed with the expected sleep babies.  People think we should keep him later, cuz he will "sleep in".  Umm, nope, he won't.  Want to come stay the night at our house?  Camping is a nightmare at bedtime.  It takes a good hour of fighting to get him down.  But when we just let him crash on his own, we fight him the entire night, and he's up at the crack of dawn. 

This was not the kind of parent I expected to be.  I hope it's a "phase", that in the future he will be easier at sleep, but I don't expect it.  As a breastfed baby, I didn't expect him to have that many ear infections.  He had 4 (two double) in a 2 month time.  I am realistic, I know not everything will go as I plan or want, but the expectations that have been challenged, are some that I just didn't think could be any different.

I expect to have challenges with a baby.  I know that there would be sleepless nights, and sick nights, and jsut plan off nights.  But I didn't think it would be every night.  I expect to raise my son a certain way.  He will have discipline, structure, manners, limited tv/comp time, rules, and a big one to me, not say the word "hate".  I really dislike when I hear little kids say "I hate ______". 

He will also have unconditional love, his needs met, a stable environment to thrive in, a faithfilled journey, and lots of laughs and hugs.  I know this post sounds really negative at the beginning, but it's just frustration with circumstances that will pass, and expectations that need to be reevaluated.  I guess if I'm one of "those" parents, so be it.  At least I can look forward to a somewhat restful night of sleep.



This face says it all...