Intentional Parenting - Day One

One of the bloggers I absoluetely love reading is FindingJoy.  She is a christian mother, with 6 kids, a MN mom.  She writes these "Dear Mom" letters, and i swear, she is talking direcly to me.  The other day, she posted on feeling discouraged that really hit home to me. 

I have been wrestling with this.  I feel discouraged in some of my choices and my actions.  I feel like I don't measure up, that there is never enough time, that I am always behind.  I feel like I am not an active participant in Jacob's life at times.  That it's all just flying by as I sit there trying to figure out what is going on.

When i look at my day, yes, I spend time with Mike and Jacob, but it's not always quality time.  Wake up, get ready (with either Mike or I watching Jacob), head to work, come home, depending on what's for dinner, i may have time to play with Jacob, otherwise making dinner.  Eating, which takes about 1/2 an hour since Jacob hams it up at dinner.  After dinner, it's about half an hour before bath.  So we play on the floor with Jacob, but I'm not always actively involved.  Sometimes I'm scrolling thu my phone, looking up recipes online, just distracted in general by what I need to do.  Mike does bath with Jacob, during which time i clean up dinner, get stuff ready for the next day, pull out his clothes, make sure bedtime stuff is ready.  Then we rock and nurse, and Jacob goes to sleep about 7:30. 

After he's down, which is typically close to 8 by the time i get back downstairs, I'm thinking about laundry, the messy house, work, etc.  Some nights we watch a tv show together, other nights I'm too busy doing things that seem essential.

I want to be intentional.  I want to be active.  I want to feel involved and not just like I'm preparing for the next day.  I have felt like I'm always getting ready, but never enjoying the time i have.  With the holidays coming up, I know it's just goign to get more busy and harder to be active unless I am intentional about it. 

Luckily for me, Rachel at FindingJoy has several posts on being an intentional parent.   Her writing inspires me, and makes me remember that i need to take the time to value what I do.  I don't have to be a perfect mother, but i am the best mother for Jacob.  He just wants his mommy, not 10,001 books, or toys that do all kinds of things.  He wants me, my time, my love.  And that is worth so much more than a clean house or a gourmet meal.

So, Day One, is Awake.  I am going to post my progress each day and the new theme of the day.  I want to be accountable for this, becuase it's important.  If you want to join, go to her site, and start with day one.  Let me know if you are doing it too!    There is a journal with each day, that I will also list a condensed version of on here.

Day one: Start Thinking.  5 and 5
What are 5 things you love about how you mother:

1. Making different voices when reading to Jacob, he loves it
2. Rocking, nursing, and singing at bedtime.  This is our special time just the two of us, and I love it.
3. Making it a priority to put Jacob and his needs first, whether it's a popular decision with others or not
4. Our snuggle time in the morning when we wake up, but before i have to get up to get ready
5. Choosing a daycare I love - they also help raise my son, and since he spends 8.5 hours a day there, I want to know he loves it too

What are 5 things you want to change:

1. Being more patient at night when he wakes up a lot
2. Not worrying/being distracted about tomorrow
3. Being "there" with him, not distracted by phone/comp/etc
4. Not feeling guilty about taking time for myself
5. Starting more traditions as a family

Tonight's activity is to set a timer and spend 10 uninterrupted minutes with Jacob and whatever he wants to do.  This is supposed to happen on a daily basis going forward.

I really did have to think on this.  Why is it so much easier to come up with the changes then it is the things you do well?  When I wrote down #2 on the change list, I thought I have been struggling with this for years.  I have a bible verse written down, that i've had forever.  It's posted on my computer at work:
     Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble  
    on its own.       ~Matthew 6:34

I'm excited to do this, to be intentional.  To share the journey of it with you.  To know that I don't have to be perfect, just be awake and aware.

Tomato Soup & Grilled Cheese

Now, I know this is one of the most basic seeming meals, but for all the different cooking and baking i have done, I usually open a can of tomato soup and take some sliced white bread along with a piece of sliced american "cheese".

Which is good, but by no means does it rival real tomato soup or the delicious grilled cheese sandwiches you can get at restaurants.

so, I found some recipes on Pinterest and Voila! delicious grown up grilled cheese and tomato soup, that was surprisingly easy.

Spinach Artichoke Grilled Cheese

Fresh spinach-about 3C

Canned artichoke hearts-about 3 hearts

chopped for about 1/2 C

1T olive oil

garlic salt and pepper

2T sour cream

4 slices cheese-your choice

(Monterrey jack, provolone, cheddar)

4 slices of good bread

butter/margarine

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet.

Saute the spinach until wilted. Season well

with garlic salt and pepper. Stir in the chopped

artichoke hearts and heat through. Add a dollop

of sour cream and blend well.

Remove this mixture to a small bowl.

Rinse and dry the skillet and return to the heat.

Buter one side of the bread. Add 2 slices of bread

to the hot skillet, buttered side down.

Top each with a slice of cheese, the spinach

artichoke mixture, the remaining slice of cheese

and the remaining slice of bread,

buttered side up. Grill until golden brown,

Flip and grill the other side until toasted

and the cheese is melted
.

Tomato Basil Soup

3 cloves of garlic, minced

2 tablespoons of olive oil

2 - 14 oz. cans of crushed tomatoes

1 - 14 oz. can of whole tomatoes

2 cups of stock (chicken or vegetable)

1 tsp of sea salt

1 tsp of sugar

1/2 tsp of fresh ground black pepper

1/4 cup of heavy cream

Flour/cornstarch

3 tablespoons of fresh basil, julienned

parmesan cheese

In a saucepan, saute garlic in olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute - being careful not to burn the garlic. Add the crushed tomatoes. Add the whole tomatoes one at a time, squeezing them into the pan to break them up. Add the juice from the whole tomatoes, as well. Add chicken stock, salt, pepper and sugar. Add flour and additional cream if you want to thicken the soup.   Cook the soup on medium at a simmer for 10 minutes.

 

Mike doesn't like anything tomato, so I made him some Chicken Gnocchi Soup.  When i was making dinner, he comes into the kitchen and asks "you made yourself a seperate soup?" 

 

:) My response, "No, I wanted tomato soup, and i know you dont' like that, so i made YOU a seperate soup"....   

One year!! Update

Dear Jacob,

I am amazed that you are already a year old!!  You have gotten so big, and I think this is my favorite age with you yet!  You are walking, although you think you can run, you babble more than ever, you can somewhat communicate with us, and seem to understand more and more each day.

Babyzilla terrorizing the parking ramp

 Here are 12 things you are doing:

1.  As mentioned, you are walking all over the house.  You think you can run, but you can't.  I love your determination though, because you keep trying.  You carry around books, tractors, your blankie, and your sippy (not all at the same time though...)

You still have crazy hair like the day you were born

2.  You can understand us more.  One of the new favorite games is "Gonna get you" and you squeal and attempt to run.  or you chase us, giggling the entire way.  If I ask you to throw Selby the ball, or hand me something, you respond to the direction. 

3. You absolutely love to read. We are hoping you pick some new favorite books soon, because the ones we read over, and over, and over are getting old. THe favorite books are moo baa, go dog go, little blue truck, and the truck book. We have moved two sesame street books out to the car for you to look at there. Really, it's because we are so sick of reading them.

Reading Moo Baa La la la

4. You loved going to the book store. We went to pick out some birthday books, and you would find the books you already have and get so excited. You really didnt care about the new ones, but you found a tractor book that rolls and you love that one.

5. Speaking is coming along, as well as signing. You have 3 words, mama, dada, and hi. You say "Da" a lot for something, but we are still tyring to figure out what you are saying. You can sign All Done (really well!), food, and more. You love to blow kisses and wave byebye

First trip to Barnes & Noble

6. You are a flirt. Especially with the girls at daycare. I've seen you try holding their hands at breakfast, and you and Aubrey love to blow each other kisses.

7.  Still not a fan of crowds (or cake).  We had your birthday party, and you would get overwhelmed with all the attention.  Daddy had to take you outside to wind down.  You wanted nothing to do with your cake, even though Jen and I spent A LOT of time on it. 

Getting brave exploring on our walk

 8.  You are a boy's boy.  You love all things truck and tractors, and have started to make your own tractor noises.  It makes me laugh, and you are so serious about them.  I hear you and dad during bath time making boat noises too. 

9.  Another favorite game is to steal your blankie and cuddle with it.  You laugh like a maniac and steal it back from us and will cuddle with it.  The blankie goes everywhere with you, and when you sleep, you snuggle right into it.  Speaking of snuggles, you will seek us out to snuggle now. It is one of my favorite things about you. Such a cuddler when you want to be! If you are sleepy, you will lay down on the floor, with your behind in the air and snuggle with your blankie, selby's bed, my lap, whatever is nearby.

Action shot!

10.  You had your first surgery this month.  The recovery was quick, and I'm glad we did it.  No ear infections for over a month now!! That's impressive for you.  And you sleep more soundly, not tossing and turning a ton.  Still up alot, but that's a whole nother issue...

11.  We are in the process of weaning.  You get two sippy's at daycare and one bottle. Next week, the bottles will be all done with!!  Daycare is already talking about moving you up to the next room at the end of November!

12.  Dinner time is one of the funnest times with you.  You are very vocal about what you like, and will "num num" thru most the meal if it's one of your favorites.  The favorites are: cottage cheese, shredded cheese, watermelon, and bananas.  You still like black beans, but will take the cottage cheese over them.  Selby also loves dinner time because you are so nice and share with her.  You think you are being sneaky, and will act like you are going to eat, then you look at us, lean over, and drop the food for the dog.  Oh baby.

I can't believe my lil baby is already a year old. SO BIG!  I'm torn between wanting you to stay my littlle baby, and so excited to see the little boy you are becoming.

All my love,
Momma

A Year in Review

I had my review at work yesterday, and was told something I did not expect to hear (good, not bad news)

My boss told me that he thought "this was my best year yet".  I about fell off my chair.  I didn't feel like this was my best year ever (which I said).  I was expecting something more along the lines of, good job, but ____ or you dropped the ball too many times to count.

I honestly love my job, and love my employers.  They have been more accomodating then I could have ever hoped or thought possible.  When they give reviews, it's not just critical things or making you feel horrible.  They build you up, make you feel like you make a difference, and give legitimate honest compliments.  It's amazing the morale it can build.

He told me that he's amazed at how I have juggled this past year, how I jumped right into busy season with a newborn, that i kept up on deadlines and clients are always saying positive things about me to him. 

It's amazing how incredible a compliment can make someone feel.  It's even more amazing when they note the struggles you have had, the changes in your life, and still make it feel like you conquered more than they expected you to do.

I needed that.

I have felt like I have been struggling to find a rhythm since I've came back to work.  Ok, lets be honest, since Jacob was born.  My world was tipped on it's side and I have been fighting to right something that is no longer the same shape it has been in the past.  It's a new shape, and rather than fighting to make it fit into the way it did before, I need to instead find a new way to make it spin.  It keeps falling because I'm not being realistic.  I can't have everything back to how it was before Jacob.  It's not going to happen. 

Society expects mothers to continue on with life as it was pre baby.  And that's just not realistic.  Your whole world changes and at times, it feels like you are fighting for your life to stay afloat in all the changes and new obstacles.  My world no longer revolves around what works best for me, but instead it revolves around my son.  Rather than fighting a battle to make him mold into my world, it has been easier to mold my world around his. 

And honestly, it's easier to do it that way than fight it.  Yes, your schedule changes, and now rather than happy hours and late nights, it's early mornings, and making sure you are home for nap time.  Sometimes I wonder, what did i do with all that free time?  I feel more fulfilled now than I ever thought possible. 

It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And occasionally, I am still trying to force that old routine into rotation, but it fails.  And each time I'm shocked.  I don't know why, I know it's going to fail, but it's so easy to fall back into old habits.  So, instead I will keep working on the new way.  On working full time, and when I am at work, being the best I can be.  I know it won't be the best I could be pre baby, but things change, and expectations change, priorities become more in focus.  And that's ok, because I think it's better to strive to be the best I can in the new routine, then wasting time trying to make it like it was before. 

Besides, if I accept and work on this, I will be happier and less frustrated, making me a better mother and wife.  Not to say tomorrow (or 5 minutes from now) I won't be trying to make it work the old way, but if I find myself doing that, rather than keep fighting with it, I will give in, and adjust my expectations. 

Eventually I won't even think about it or struggle as much.  I have found more of a groove in the past 2 months than I have in awhile.  I know more things will change as time goes on, but I'm not going to worry about that now.  WHat's the point?  Why waste energy on things that may happen, when i can focus on what is present in my life here and now. 

Becuase even though I might be a struggling mess on the inside, surprisingly, I come across as quite stable and on top of things to the rest of the world.  Which makes me think the people I am judging myself against thinking they have it all figured out, are the same way.  And that gives me hope.

Heart Melting Sleep

Dear Jacob,

You are now 11 months old.  Please let your momma sleep one night....just one.  That's all I'm asking for.  Then you can be a terror of the night for another few months.  I know, you are so flippin cute, and you make the funniest sounds when you wake up.  You love to point at the fan, and coo at us.  You will sit up, snuggle with your blankie, and topple over onto one of us in the most heartmelting of ways, which is really, really lucky.

See how cute I am with a leaf on my head?

Because at night, you are so not cute.  You are a terror of epic proportions.  I didn't think it could get worse than when you had HFM, but alas, you proved me wrong.  It can get worse, like up-every-60- minutes-and-only-nursing-will-satisfy-you worse.

It makes me want to rip my hair out and bash my head against a wall.  Then, you snuggle in all comfy cozy, clutching your blankie, and your little eyes get droopy, and your sweet lil scent is in my nose.  And my heart melts.  Again.

And I can even be cute with my back to you

Then you wake up screaming like a banshee and nothing will console you.  Daddy walks with you, nope, I walk with you, nope.  We rock.  You scream.  I vow I will not give in this time.  You scream some more.  I give in. 

I then vow that tonight, I will not give in and nurse you until midnight....Yea....Guess how often that has happened?  I swear that tonight you will CIO....yep, that still hasn't happened either....

Because then, in the morning, you hand me your coveted blankie, and then giggle like mad when I snuggle with it.  And my heart melts.

I love your lion hat, and the new face you make

See what a ham I can be?

 

 

But please Jacob, stop holding us in our sleep deprived prison sentence, I'm BEGGING you... I love you more then I ever could have imagined, which is lucky, because I think I would have severly hurt anyone who messes with my sleep like you do, including your daddy.

 

 

You are worth the lack of sleep, and when you snuggle with me in the morning, it is one of the best parts of my day.  And it makes up for the screaming monster you were just 2 short hours ago (if i'm lucky that you sleep that long of a stretch).  And even though one of our greatest anniversary gifts was you, one that would rank a close second would be if you slept for one night...

 

Love,

Your sleep deprived momma

Crockpot Chicken Enchiladas

I made this last night, and it was so yummy & easy, I had to share it right away!

When I made it, I doubled the recipe, thinking I would have leftovers.  I do have leftovers, but not as much as i thought i would!  But, will throw the rest in the freezer and have a quick meal when I need it.

Crockpot Chicken Enchiladas:
Package of chicken breasts
Can of Enchilada Sauce
1/2 pack of Taco Seasoning  (i used whole pack since i doubled everything)
Shredded Cheese
Green Onions
Flour Tortillas

Optional: 
Corn Bread
Cilantro
Guac
Lettuce
Tomatoes
Black Beans (not optional in our house, Jacob LOVES them)

Throw the first 3 ingredients into the crockpot on low for the day.
Shred the chicken, dump some of the sauce in CP over the shredded chicken, add cheese and onions.

*Since i was making corn bread, i popped the pan of ckn and cheese in the oven for about 10 min to melt the cheese more, delicious, but not necessary)

Put on tortillas, with your favorite toppings.  I love the 100 cal packs of guacamole. Mike doesnt like guac, but I love it.  It's a waste to make it myself, since it doesn't last.  THe packs are the perfect amount, and you can freeze them, so when I put the leftovers in the freezer, I throw a guac pack in also, so i have one for the next time!

Organizing my life

I've realized to keep my sanity, (or to sate the control freak in me) I need to organize things in my life.  The "routine" i thought i had is over.  Before it was part time work, and being home.  Now, i'm back to work FT and still trying to be the mom I think I should be, maintain a household, be a wife, be a friend, somewhere find time to be "me".  



Rules and Meals

One of the first things I did was make a board to list meals weekly.  THis way, I'm not stressed about what to have for dinner, i have an easy list for groceries, and to cut grocery bills

The calendar not only has meals, but to write on here what's going on for the week.  I bought the pic frams at Target, bought some cute paper from Joanns, and use dry erase markers to change it.  To help with this, i also bought a weekly meal plan.  The plan has dinner for 7 days plus the grocery list.  So far, we've had a few different items, and have liked most.  SOon, i will do a post with some recipes and a sample plan of what we have.

THe other board is house rules.  Most of these are biblically based, and a lot are from the sermon I talked about last week.  They are a daily, visible reminder of what values we want to raise our family with.  There are also some more general ones.  Rules:  Be kind, be patient, give hugs & kisses, share your toys, your day, your love, remember we will always love you, speak the truth in love, and listen & encourage.  I was specific in how i worded the rules.  I wanted them to be positive, not negative, ie, no yelling, no this, no that.

So far, in the 2 wks we have used it, it's been helpful to have the meals.  We will see how long i stay on top of it....

Jacob pre surgery, playing wiht a car

Jacob's surgery is over!! yea!! he did well, and we were there for just over 24 hours, home by 10 on Saturday!  He's recovered well, been crabby a few days, but overall good.

Beating feet across theyard, didnt like the feel of the dead grass

Look Mommy!!!  I'm HELPING!! :)

Part of the deal with me going back FT, is Mike picks up cooking at least one night a week and he takes care of the dishes.  Jacob didn't want to be a slacker, so he helps with the unrolling of the tp.  Good thing, it was very stressful taking the time to pull the tp off ourselves....