I dont know what has happened that has made me more aware, empathetic, and hurting for this broken world, but there are days, moments, that just HURT.
Is it from being a mother, and realizing that I can't protect my beautiful, innocent, sweet baby from all things horrible and sad?
Is it from drawing nearer to God, and wanting more from this life?
Is it just being more aware of what really is going on around me?
Or are we as humans just catipulting more quickly into brokenness, tragedy, and hopelessness?
I pray it's a combination of the first three, and not the last one.
I read news articles that make me cry. Horrible stories of children being abused, animals being mistreated, bombings, car accidents, suicides, everything that could possibly go wrong that will.
In the past few months, I've had friends, family, clients, acquatinces, who have lost their baby, had a miscarriages, dealt with severe depression, committed suicide, attempted suicide, and it makes my heart just ACHE and weep. As I type this, I'm tearing up. It makes me want to drive to daycare, sweep up my sweet lil boy, and just snuggle and love on him until I'm ok, and know that he's ok.
I scour the internet for happy stories. For uplifting news. And it's hard to find. You want a story about the bad stuff, it's everywhere, take your pick. But the good stuff is hard to find. And that is so disheartening to me. I avoid articles with child abuse or death, because I can't read it without crying.
I never used to be that way. I could read them and move on, not a problem. I can't anymore. I want to rescue every hurt animal and save everyone. I want to protect Jacob from the dangers of the world.
And I can't.
I can't keep him from being hurt. From being sad. From having his heart broken. And this terrifies me.
And I know there is good in the world. I just wish there was more of it. I want to read stories of people helping one another. Of lost children being found. Of happy teens, with the world ahead of them, at their feet.
I want answers of why these things happen. Why good people have horrible things happen. Why life isn't fair. And i know these are not going to be answered. I know the best I can do is show others God's love, and pray that they pass that light on to another. I can pray for them, pray for their suffering to ease, pray for a smile.
I know I haven't posted in a LONG time, and this post isn't light and happy. But it's been weighing on me, and I hope that by putting it out there, it gets lighter. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and maybe someone else needs to read that they are not the only ones either.
I pray for the goodness to be more apparent. To see the little things that are sweet. To keep my baby as innocent as he possibly can be for as long as possible. To protect him as much as we can. To teach him to be show others kindness and mercy. For everyone to show others kindness and mercy. To reach that one person who needs to see the hope of light on their darkest of days.
I want to be the change I want to see.
