Day 3 - See

Sorry, i got distracted by my family over the weekend, and really didnt make time to post, so will be for day 3, which i did on Saturday.

Today's task was to document my day.  Not cleaning first, just our day to day stuff.  Just an fyi, these pics were all with the phone camera, so not real high quality, but you get the point!



Riding the indoor JD before nap

Celebrating birthdays with my Amma Mamas

Some of the birthday kids, Jacob rying to make a break for it

So sleepy after playdate

Running with the tractor

Riding down the driveway

Jacob's fav time of day, reading time

Journaling questions:

1.  Was it easy to devote intentional time to your child today?
         Yes, it's been easier if I have been intentional about it.  Plus, with meeting the playdate, we had lots of time together, and got a new book to read as a gift. It was a Saturday, and my turn to get up early with Jacob, so we had lots of time together.

2.  What things were distracting?
         Lots!!  Messy house, going out to dinner for Mike's bday, the pull of wanting to work on Christmas projects, laundry, must i go on??

3.  Is there a slot in your schedule to make the 10 min chunks of time a priority?  WHere? 
        Yes.  Really easy on the weekends, but on weekdays, I am going to try to do at 5:30ish.  Basically, when we get home, and after i have popped dinner in, and have at least 20 min before i need to mess with dinner again.

Day 4 will be today.I didn't do on Sunday, I was too distracted with spending time with the family, and never got on the comp to read the day first. 

For more info on Intentional parenting, go to Finding Joy.  Find Day 2: Heart here and Day 1: Awake here.

Day 2: Heart

It's day 2 of intentional parenting (i'm also impressed with myself that I'm blogging two days in a row...), but anyways, if you missed day 1, click here. 

To recap, I had to write 5 things I liked and disliked how I mothered, and spend 10 uninterrupted minutes just playing with Jacob.  The time was great.  If I'm intentional about putting everything down, it doesn't even factor in.  We sat on the floor and played with putting toys in and out of a bag.  Then he would run away shrieking and come running back to me.  Such simple things, but Jacob was having a blast.

Today, is Heart.  It's about how mothers cut themselves short on what they do.  The task:  write a letter of encouragement to yourself in 10 minutes.  I'm going to set a timer, and just write, so if it seems like it rambles to you, this is my heart coming thru, with my brain trying to keep up!

Dear Nikki,

I know at times you feel overwhelmed with everything going on.  That everything is spinning by so fast, and nothing is getting done.  You feel guilty for the time you are away from Jacob at work, and feel guilty for not always being 100% there when you are with him.  It seems like you clean constantly, with nothing ever getting done.  That you are behind in 10,012 ways and you will never measure up to the kind of mother you "should" be.  You feel like it's your fault with the way Jacob sleeps, and when stuff doesn't go as planned. 

Don't.

You are doing the absolute best you can.  THere is adjustment and timing, and all Jacob cares about is your love.  YOU are his mommy.  You are his world.  He doesnt care if the dishes aren't done, or if you don't make some craft off of pinterest that is the best thing since sliced bread.

The love you have for that little boy is all consuming and overwhelming in it's entirety. It's hard to put someone else first when culture and media scream that it should be all about me and what I want.  But you are succeeding at ignoring that pull, and knowing that it's not all about you.  It's about your family.  It's about Mike & Jacob, and Selby. It's what is best for us as a whole. 

It's easy to get lost in the day to day routine and let details bog you down.  Everything gets done, maybe not as soon as you would like, but is there a deadline on laundry?  It will still be there, and there are still clean clothes in the closets. 

Don't make choices that society thinks you need to.  Look to the bible and decide what the priorities should be.  Continue to make the choices that you have been, the ones that are with your family in mind and on your heart.  Remember that one of the most important parts of your day is to spend time snuggling and loving Jacob.  He won't be this small forever.  Continue to make him feel like he is your everything, because you and Mike are his. 

Show your love for him, teach him how to let go and laugh.  He sees you being stressed, show him how you are when you are relaxed and laughing with him.  Accept grace. 

Love,
me


*See Rachel's post at Finding Joy here.*

Intentional Parenting - Day One

One of the bloggers I absoluetely love reading is FindingJoy.  She is a christian mother, with 6 kids, a MN mom.  She writes these "Dear Mom" letters, and i swear, she is talking direcly to me.  The other day, she posted on feeling discouraged that really hit home to me. 

I have been wrestling with this.  I feel discouraged in some of my choices and my actions.  I feel like I don't measure up, that there is never enough time, that I am always behind.  I feel like I am not an active participant in Jacob's life at times.  That it's all just flying by as I sit there trying to figure out what is going on.

When i look at my day, yes, I spend time with Mike and Jacob, but it's not always quality time.  Wake up, get ready (with either Mike or I watching Jacob), head to work, come home, depending on what's for dinner, i may have time to play with Jacob, otherwise making dinner.  Eating, which takes about 1/2 an hour since Jacob hams it up at dinner.  After dinner, it's about half an hour before bath.  So we play on the floor with Jacob, but I'm not always actively involved.  Sometimes I'm scrolling thu my phone, looking up recipes online, just distracted in general by what I need to do.  Mike does bath with Jacob, during which time i clean up dinner, get stuff ready for the next day, pull out his clothes, make sure bedtime stuff is ready.  Then we rock and nurse, and Jacob goes to sleep about 7:30. 

After he's down, which is typically close to 8 by the time i get back downstairs, I'm thinking about laundry, the messy house, work, etc.  Some nights we watch a tv show together, other nights I'm too busy doing things that seem essential.

I want to be intentional.  I want to be active.  I want to feel involved and not just like I'm preparing for the next day.  I have felt like I'm always getting ready, but never enjoying the time i have.  With the holidays coming up, I know it's just goign to get more busy and harder to be active unless I am intentional about it. 

Luckily for me, Rachel at FindingJoy has several posts on being an intentional parent.   Her writing inspires me, and makes me remember that i need to take the time to value what I do.  I don't have to be a perfect mother, but i am the best mother for Jacob.  He just wants his mommy, not 10,001 books, or toys that do all kinds of things.  He wants me, my time, my love.  And that is worth so much more than a clean house or a gourmet meal.

So, Day One, is Awake.  I am going to post my progress each day and the new theme of the day.  I want to be accountable for this, becuase it's important.  If you want to join, go to her site, and start with day one.  Let me know if you are doing it too!    There is a journal with each day, that I will also list a condensed version of on here.

Day one: Start Thinking.  5 and 5
What are 5 things you love about how you mother:

1. Making different voices when reading to Jacob, he loves it
2. Rocking, nursing, and singing at bedtime.  This is our special time just the two of us, and I love it.
3. Making it a priority to put Jacob and his needs first, whether it's a popular decision with others or not
4. Our snuggle time in the morning when we wake up, but before i have to get up to get ready
5. Choosing a daycare I love - they also help raise my son, and since he spends 8.5 hours a day there, I want to know he loves it too

What are 5 things you want to change:

1. Being more patient at night when he wakes up a lot
2. Not worrying/being distracted about tomorrow
3. Being "there" with him, not distracted by phone/comp/etc
4. Not feeling guilty about taking time for myself
5. Starting more traditions as a family

Tonight's activity is to set a timer and spend 10 uninterrupted minutes with Jacob and whatever he wants to do.  This is supposed to happen on a daily basis going forward.

I really did have to think on this.  Why is it so much easier to come up with the changes then it is the things you do well?  When I wrote down #2 on the change list, I thought I have been struggling with this for years.  I have a bible verse written down, that i've had forever.  It's posted on my computer at work:
     Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble  
    on its own.       ~Matthew 6:34

I'm excited to do this, to be intentional.  To share the journey of it with you.  To know that I don't have to be perfect, just be awake and aware.

Tomato Soup & Grilled Cheese

Now, I know this is one of the most basic seeming meals, but for all the different cooking and baking i have done, I usually open a can of tomato soup and take some sliced white bread along with a piece of sliced american "cheese".

Which is good, but by no means does it rival real tomato soup or the delicious grilled cheese sandwiches you can get at restaurants.

so, I found some recipes on Pinterest and Voila! delicious grown up grilled cheese and tomato soup, that was surprisingly easy.

Spinach Artichoke Grilled Cheese

Fresh spinach-about 3C

Canned artichoke hearts-about 3 hearts

chopped for about 1/2 C

1T olive oil

garlic salt and pepper

2T sour cream

4 slices cheese-your choice

(Monterrey jack, provolone, cheddar)

4 slices of good bread

butter/margarine

Heat the olive oil in a large skillet.

Saute the spinach until wilted. Season well

with garlic salt and pepper. Stir in the chopped

artichoke hearts and heat through. Add a dollop

of sour cream and blend well.

Remove this mixture to a small bowl.

Rinse and dry the skillet and return to the heat.

Buter one side of the bread. Add 2 slices of bread

to the hot skillet, buttered side down.

Top each with a slice of cheese, the spinach

artichoke mixture, the remaining slice of cheese

and the remaining slice of bread,

buttered side up. Grill until golden brown,

Flip and grill the other side until toasted

and the cheese is melted
.

Tomato Basil Soup

3 cloves of garlic, minced

2 tablespoons of olive oil

2 - 14 oz. cans of crushed tomatoes

1 - 14 oz. can of whole tomatoes

2 cups of stock (chicken or vegetable)

1 tsp of sea salt

1 tsp of sugar

1/2 tsp of fresh ground black pepper

1/4 cup of heavy cream

Flour/cornstarch

3 tablespoons of fresh basil, julienned

parmesan cheese

In a saucepan, saute garlic in olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute - being careful not to burn the garlic. Add the crushed tomatoes. Add the whole tomatoes one at a time, squeezing them into the pan to break them up. Add the juice from the whole tomatoes, as well. Add chicken stock, salt, pepper and sugar. Add flour and additional cream if you want to thicken the soup.   Cook the soup on medium at a simmer for 10 minutes.

 

Mike doesn't like anything tomato, so I made him some Chicken Gnocchi Soup.  When i was making dinner, he comes into the kitchen and asks "you made yourself a seperate soup?" 

 

:) My response, "No, I wanted tomato soup, and i know you dont' like that, so i made YOU a seperate soup"....   

One year!! Update

Dear Jacob,

I am amazed that you are already a year old!!  You have gotten so big, and I think this is my favorite age with you yet!  You are walking, although you think you can run, you babble more than ever, you can somewhat communicate with us, and seem to understand more and more each day.

Babyzilla terrorizing the parking ramp

 Here are 12 things you are doing:

1.  As mentioned, you are walking all over the house.  You think you can run, but you can't.  I love your determination though, because you keep trying.  You carry around books, tractors, your blankie, and your sippy (not all at the same time though...)

You still have crazy hair like the day you were born

2.  You can understand us more.  One of the new favorite games is "Gonna get you" and you squeal and attempt to run.  or you chase us, giggling the entire way.  If I ask you to throw Selby the ball, or hand me something, you respond to the direction. 

3. You absolutely love to read. We are hoping you pick some new favorite books soon, because the ones we read over, and over, and over are getting old. THe favorite books are moo baa, go dog go, little blue truck, and the truck book. We have moved two sesame street books out to the car for you to look at there. Really, it's because we are so sick of reading them.

Reading Moo Baa La la la

4. You loved going to the book store. We went to pick out some birthday books, and you would find the books you already have and get so excited. You really didnt care about the new ones, but you found a tractor book that rolls and you love that one.

5. Speaking is coming along, as well as signing. You have 3 words, mama, dada, and hi. You say "Da" a lot for something, but we are still tyring to figure out what you are saying. You can sign All Done (really well!), food, and more. You love to blow kisses and wave byebye

First trip to Barnes & Noble

6. You are a flirt. Especially with the girls at daycare. I've seen you try holding their hands at breakfast, and you and Aubrey love to blow each other kisses.

7.  Still not a fan of crowds (or cake).  We had your birthday party, and you would get overwhelmed with all the attention.  Daddy had to take you outside to wind down.  You wanted nothing to do with your cake, even though Jen and I spent A LOT of time on it. 

Getting brave exploring on our walk

 8.  You are a boy's boy.  You love all things truck and tractors, and have started to make your own tractor noises.  It makes me laugh, and you are so serious about them.  I hear you and dad during bath time making boat noises too. 

9.  Another favorite game is to steal your blankie and cuddle with it.  You laugh like a maniac and steal it back from us and will cuddle with it.  The blankie goes everywhere with you, and when you sleep, you snuggle right into it.  Speaking of snuggles, you will seek us out to snuggle now. It is one of my favorite things about you. Such a cuddler when you want to be! If you are sleepy, you will lay down on the floor, with your behind in the air and snuggle with your blankie, selby's bed, my lap, whatever is nearby.

Action shot!

10.  You had your first surgery this month.  The recovery was quick, and I'm glad we did it.  No ear infections for over a month now!! That's impressive for you.  And you sleep more soundly, not tossing and turning a ton.  Still up alot, but that's a whole nother issue...

11.  We are in the process of weaning.  You get two sippy's at daycare and one bottle. Next week, the bottles will be all done with!!  Daycare is already talking about moving you up to the next room at the end of November!

12.  Dinner time is one of the funnest times with you.  You are very vocal about what you like, and will "num num" thru most the meal if it's one of your favorites.  The favorites are: cottage cheese, shredded cheese, watermelon, and bananas.  You still like black beans, but will take the cottage cheese over them.  Selby also loves dinner time because you are so nice and share with her.  You think you are being sneaky, and will act like you are going to eat, then you look at us, lean over, and drop the food for the dog.  Oh baby.

I can't believe my lil baby is already a year old. SO BIG!  I'm torn between wanting you to stay my littlle baby, and so excited to see the little boy you are becoming.

All my love,
Momma

A Year in Review

I had my review at work yesterday, and was told something I did not expect to hear (good, not bad news)

My boss told me that he thought "this was my best year yet".  I about fell off my chair.  I didn't feel like this was my best year ever (which I said).  I was expecting something more along the lines of, good job, but ____ or you dropped the ball too many times to count.

I honestly love my job, and love my employers.  They have been more accomodating then I could have ever hoped or thought possible.  When they give reviews, it's not just critical things or making you feel horrible.  They build you up, make you feel like you make a difference, and give legitimate honest compliments.  It's amazing the morale it can build.

He told me that he's amazed at how I have juggled this past year, how I jumped right into busy season with a newborn, that i kept up on deadlines and clients are always saying positive things about me to him. 

It's amazing how incredible a compliment can make someone feel.  It's even more amazing when they note the struggles you have had, the changes in your life, and still make it feel like you conquered more than they expected you to do.

I needed that.

I have felt like I have been struggling to find a rhythm since I've came back to work.  Ok, lets be honest, since Jacob was born.  My world was tipped on it's side and I have been fighting to right something that is no longer the same shape it has been in the past.  It's a new shape, and rather than fighting to make it fit into the way it did before, I need to instead find a new way to make it spin.  It keeps falling because I'm not being realistic.  I can't have everything back to how it was before Jacob.  It's not going to happen. 

Society expects mothers to continue on with life as it was pre baby.  And that's just not realistic.  Your whole world changes and at times, it feels like you are fighting for your life to stay afloat in all the changes and new obstacles.  My world no longer revolves around what works best for me, but instead it revolves around my son.  Rather than fighting a battle to make him mold into my world, it has been easier to mold my world around his. 

And honestly, it's easier to do it that way than fight it.  Yes, your schedule changes, and now rather than happy hours and late nights, it's early mornings, and making sure you are home for nap time.  Sometimes I wonder, what did i do with all that free time?  I feel more fulfilled now than I ever thought possible. 

It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And occasionally, I am still trying to force that old routine into rotation, but it fails.  And each time I'm shocked.  I don't know why, I know it's going to fail, but it's so easy to fall back into old habits.  So, instead I will keep working on the new way.  On working full time, and when I am at work, being the best I can be.  I know it won't be the best I could be pre baby, but things change, and expectations change, priorities become more in focus.  And that's ok, because I think it's better to strive to be the best I can in the new routine, then wasting time trying to make it like it was before. 

Besides, if I accept and work on this, I will be happier and less frustrated, making me a better mother and wife.  Not to say tomorrow (or 5 minutes from now) I won't be trying to make it work the old way, but if I find myself doing that, rather than keep fighting with it, I will give in, and adjust my expectations. 

Eventually I won't even think about it or struggle as much.  I have found more of a groove in the past 2 months than I have in awhile.  I know more things will change as time goes on, but I'm not going to worry about that now.  WHat's the point?  Why waste energy on things that may happen, when i can focus on what is present in my life here and now. 

Becuase even though I might be a struggling mess on the inside, surprisingly, I come across as quite stable and on top of things to the rest of the world.  Which makes me think the people I am judging myself against thinking they have it all figured out, are the same way.  And that gives me hope.

Heart Melting Sleep

Dear Jacob,

You are now 11 months old.  Please let your momma sleep one night....just one.  That's all I'm asking for.  Then you can be a terror of the night for another few months.  I know, you are so flippin cute, and you make the funniest sounds when you wake up.  You love to point at the fan, and coo at us.  You will sit up, snuggle with your blankie, and topple over onto one of us in the most heartmelting of ways, which is really, really lucky.

See how cute I am with a leaf on my head?

Because at night, you are so not cute.  You are a terror of epic proportions.  I didn't think it could get worse than when you had HFM, but alas, you proved me wrong.  It can get worse, like up-every-60- minutes-and-only-nursing-will-satisfy-you worse.

It makes me want to rip my hair out and bash my head against a wall.  Then, you snuggle in all comfy cozy, clutching your blankie, and your little eyes get droopy, and your sweet lil scent is in my nose.  And my heart melts.  Again.

And I can even be cute with my back to you

Then you wake up screaming like a banshee and nothing will console you.  Daddy walks with you, nope, I walk with you, nope.  We rock.  You scream.  I vow I will not give in this time.  You scream some more.  I give in. 

I then vow that tonight, I will not give in and nurse you until midnight....Yea....Guess how often that has happened?  I swear that tonight you will CIO....yep, that still hasn't happened either....

Because then, in the morning, you hand me your coveted blankie, and then giggle like mad when I snuggle with it.  And my heart melts.

I love your lion hat, and the new face you make

See what a ham I can be?

 

 

But please Jacob, stop holding us in our sleep deprived prison sentence, I'm BEGGING you... I love you more then I ever could have imagined, which is lucky, because I think I would have severly hurt anyone who messes with my sleep like you do, including your daddy.

 

 

You are worth the lack of sleep, and when you snuggle with me in the morning, it is one of the best parts of my day.  And it makes up for the screaming monster you were just 2 short hours ago (if i'm lucky that you sleep that long of a stretch).  And even though one of our greatest anniversary gifts was you, one that would rank a close second would be if you slept for one night...

 

Love,

Your sleep deprived momma