Intentional Parenting - Day One

One of the bloggers I absoluetely love reading is FindingJoy.  She is a christian mother, with 6 kids, a MN mom.  She writes these "Dear Mom" letters, and i swear, she is talking direcly to me.  The other day, she posted on feeling discouraged that really hit home to me. 

I have been wrestling with this.  I feel discouraged in some of my choices and my actions.  I feel like I don't measure up, that there is never enough time, that I am always behind.  I feel like I am not an active participant in Jacob's life at times.  That it's all just flying by as I sit there trying to figure out what is going on.

When i look at my day, yes, I spend time with Mike and Jacob, but it's not always quality time.  Wake up, get ready (with either Mike or I watching Jacob), head to work, come home, depending on what's for dinner, i may have time to play with Jacob, otherwise making dinner.  Eating, which takes about 1/2 an hour since Jacob hams it up at dinner.  After dinner, it's about half an hour before bath.  So we play on the floor with Jacob, but I'm not always actively involved.  Sometimes I'm scrolling thu my phone, looking up recipes online, just distracted in general by what I need to do.  Mike does bath with Jacob, during which time i clean up dinner, get stuff ready for the next day, pull out his clothes, make sure bedtime stuff is ready.  Then we rock and nurse, and Jacob goes to sleep about 7:30. 

After he's down, which is typically close to 8 by the time i get back downstairs, I'm thinking about laundry, the messy house, work, etc.  Some nights we watch a tv show together, other nights I'm too busy doing things that seem essential.

I want to be intentional.  I want to be active.  I want to feel involved and not just like I'm preparing for the next day.  I have felt like I'm always getting ready, but never enjoying the time i have.  With the holidays coming up, I know it's just goign to get more busy and harder to be active unless I am intentional about it. 

Luckily for me, Rachel at FindingJoy has several posts on being an intentional parent.   Her writing inspires me, and makes me remember that i need to take the time to value what I do.  I don't have to be a perfect mother, but i am the best mother for Jacob.  He just wants his mommy, not 10,001 books, or toys that do all kinds of things.  He wants me, my time, my love.  And that is worth so much more than a clean house or a gourmet meal.

So, Day One, is Awake.  I am going to post my progress each day and the new theme of the day.  I want to be accountable for this, becuase it's important.  If you want to join, go to her site, and start with day one.  Let me know if you are doing it too!    There is a journal with each day, that I will also list a condensed version of on here.

Day one: Start Thinking.  5 and 5
What are 5 things you love about how you mother:

1. Making different voices when reading to Jacob, he loves it
2. Rocking, nursing, and singing at bedtime.  This is our special time just the two of us, and I love it.
3. Making it a priority to put Jacob and his needs first, whether it's a popular decision with others or not
4. Our snuggle time in the morning when we wake up, but before i have to get up to get ready
5. Choosing a daycare I love - they also help raise my son, and since he spends 8.5 hours a day there, I want to know he loves it too

What are 5 things you want to change:

1. Being more patient at night when he wakes up a lot
2. Not worrying/being distracted about tomorrow
3. Being "there" with him, not distracted by phone/comp/etc
4. Not feeling guilty about taking time for myself
5. Starting more traditions as a family

Tonight's activity is to set a timer and spend 10 uninterrupted minutes with Jacob and whatever he wants to do.  This is supposed to happen on a daily basis going forward.

I really did have to think on this.  Why is it so much easier to come up with the changes then it is the things you do well?  When I wrote down #2 on the change list, I thought I have been struggling with this for years.  I have a bible verse written down, that i've had forever.  It's posted on my computer at work:
     Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble  
    on its own.       ~Matthew 6:34

I'm excited to do this, to be intentional.  To share the journey of it with you.  To know that I don't have to be perfect, just be awake and aware.