One year!! Update

Dear Jacob,

I am amazed that you are already a year old!!  You have gotten so big, and I think this is my favorite age with you yet!  You are walking, although you think you can run, you babble more than ever, you can somewhat communicate with us, and seem to understand more and more each day.

Babyzilla terrorizing the parking ramp

 Here are 12 things you are doing:

1.  As mentioned, you are walking all over the house.  You think you can run, but you can't.  I love your determination though, because you keep trying.  You carry around books, tractors, your blankie, and your sippy (not all at the same time though...)

You still have crazy hair like the day you were born

2.  You can understand us more.  One of the new favorite games is "Gonna get you" and you squeal and attempt to run.  or you chase us, giggling the entire way.  If I ask you to throw Selby the ball, or hand me something, you respond to the direction. 

3. You absolutely love to read. We are hoping you pick some new favorite books soon, because the ones we read over, and over, and over are getting old. THe favorite books are moo baa, go dog go, little blue truck, and the truck book. We have moved two sesame street books out to the car for you to look at there. Really, it's because we are so sick of reading them.

Reading Moo Baa La la la

4. You loved going to the book store. We went to pick out some birthday books, and you would find the books you already have and get so excited. You really didnt care about the new ones, but you found a tractor book that rolls and you love that one.

5. Speaking is coming along, as well as signing. You have 3 words, mama, dada, and hi. You say "Da" a lot for something, but we are still tyring to figure out what you are saying. You can sign All Done (really well!), food, and more. You love to blow kisses and wave byebye

First trip to Barnes & Noble

6. You are a flirt. Especially with the girls at daycare. I've seen you try holding their hands at breakfast, and you and Aubrey love to blow each other kisses.

7.  Still not a fan of crowds (or cake).  We had your birthday party, and you would get overwhelmed with all the attention.  Daddy had to take you outside to wind down.  You wanted nothing to do with your cake, even though Jen and I spent A LOT of time on it. 

Getting brave exploring on our walk

 8.  You are a boy's boy.  You love all things truck and tractors, and have started to make your own tractor noises.  It makes me laugh, and you are so serious about them.  I hear you and dad during bath time making boat noises too. 

9.  Another favorite game is to steal your blankie and cuddle with it.  You laugh like a maniac and steal it back from us and will cuddle with it.  The blankie goes everywhere with you, and when you sleep, you snuggle right into it.  Speaking of snuggles, you will seek us out to snuggle now. It is one of my favorite things about you. Such a cuddler when you want to be! If you are sleepy, you will lay down on the floor, with your behind in the air and snuggle with your blankie, selby's bed, my lap, whatever is nearby.

Action shot!

10.  You had your first surgery this month.  The recovery was quick, and I'm glad we did it.  No ear infections for over a month now!! That's impressive for you.  And you sleep more soundly, not tossing and turning a ton.  Still up alot, but that's a whole nother issue...

11.  We are in the process of weaning.  You get two sippy's at daycare and one bottle. Next week, the bottles will be all done with!!  Daycare is already talking about moving you up to the next room at the end of November!

12.  Dinner time is one of the funnest times with you.  You are very vocal about what you like, and will "num num" thru most the meal if it's one of your favorites.  The favorites are: cottage cheese, shredded cheese, watermelon, and bananas.  You still like black beans, but will take the cottage cheese over them.  Selby also loves dinner time because you are so nice and share with her.  You think you are being sneaky, and will act like you are going to eat, then you look at us, lean over, and drop the food for the dog.  Oh baby.

I can't believe my lil baby is already a year old. SO BIG!  I'm torn between wanting you to stay my littlle baby, and so excited to see the little boy you are becoming.

All my love,
Momma

A Year in Review

I had my review at work yesterday, and was told something I did not expect to hear (good, not bad news)

My boss told me that he thought "this was my best year yet".  I about fell off my chair.  I didn't feel like this was my best year ever (which I said).  I was expecting something more along the lines of, good job, but ____ or you dropped the ball too many times to count.

I honestly love my job, and love my employers.  They have been more accomodating then I could have ever hoped or thought possible.  When they give reviews, it's not just critical things or making you feel horrible.  They build you up, make you feel like you make a difference, and give legitimate honest compliments.  It's amazing the morale it can build.

He told me that he's amazed at how I have juggled this past year, how I jumped right into busy season with a newborn, that i kept up on deadlines and clients are always saying positive things about me to him. 

It's amazing how incredible a compliment can make someone feel.  It's even more amazing when they note the struggles you have had, the changes in your life, and still make it feel like you conquered more than they expected you to do.

I needed that.

I have felt like I have been struggling to find a rhythm since I've came back to work.  Ok, lets be honest, since Jacob was born.  My world was tipped on it's side and I have been fighting to right something that is no longer the same shape it has been in the past.  It's a new shape, and rather than fighting to make it fit into the way it did before, I need to instead find a new way to make it spin.  It keeps falling because I'm not being realistic.  I can't have everything back to how it was before Jacob.  It's not going to happen. 

Society expects mothers to continue on with life as it was pre baby.  And that's just not realistic.  Your whole world changes and at times, it feels like you are fighting for your life to stay afloat in all the changes and new obstacles.  My world no longer revolves around what works best for me, but instead it revolves around my son.  Rather than fighting a battle to make him mold into my world, it has been easier to mold my world around his. 

And honestly, it's easier to do it that way than fight it.  Yes, your schedule changes, and now rather than happy hours and late nights, it's early mornings, and making sure you are home for nap time.  Sometimes I wonder, what did i do with all that free time?  I feel more fulfilled now than I ever thought possible. 

It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And occasionally, I am still trying to force that old routine into rotation, but it fails.  And each time I'm shocked.  I don't know why, I know it's going to fail, but it's so easy to fall back into old habits.  So, instead I will keep working on the new way.  On working full time, and when I am at work, being the best I can be.  I know it won't be the best I could be pre baby, but things change, and expectations change, priorities become more in focus.  And that's ok, because I think it's better to strive to be the best I can in the new routine, then wasting time trying to make it like it was before. 

Besides, if I accept and work on this, I will be happier and less frustrated, making me a better mother and wife.  Not to say tomorrow (or 5 minutes from now) I won't be trying to make it work the old way, but if I find myself doing that, rather than keep fighting with it, I will give in, and adjust my expectations. 

Eventually I won't even think about it or struggle as much.  I have found more of a groove in the past 2 months than I have in awhile.  I know more things will change as time goes on, but I'm not going to worry about that now.  WHat's the point?  Why waste energy on things that may happen, when i can focus on what is present in my life here and now. 

Becuase even though I might be a struggling mess on the inside, surprisingly, I come across as quite stable and on top of things to the rest of the world.  Which makes me think the people I am judging myself against thinking they have it all figured out, are the same way.  And that gives me hope.

Heart Melting Sleep

Dear Jacob,

You are now 11 months old.  Please let your momma sleep one night....just one.  That's all I'm asking for.  Then you can be a terror of the night for another few months.  I know, you are so flippin cute, and you make the funniest sounds when you wake up.  You love to point at the fan, and coo at us.  You will sit up, snuggle with your blankie, and topple over onto one of us in the most heartmelting of ways, which is really, really lucky.

See how cute I am with a leaf on my head?

Because at night, you are so not cute.  You are a terror of epic proportions.  I didn't think it could get worse than when you had HFM, but alas, you proved me wrong.  It can get worse, like up-every-60- minutes-and-only-nursing-will-satisfy-you worse.

It makes me want to rip my hair out and bash my head against a wall.  Then, you snuggle in all comfy cozy, clutching your blankie, and your little eyes get droopy, and your sweet lil scent is in my nose.  And my heart melts.  Again.

And I can even be cute with my back to you

Then you wake up screaming like a banshee and nothing will console you.  Daddy walks with you, nope, I walk with you, nope.  We rock.  You scream.  I vow I will not give in this time.  You scream some more.  I give in. 

I then vow that tonight, I will not give in and nurse you until midnight....Yea....Guess how often that has happened?  I swear that tonight you will CIO....yep, that still hasn't happened either....

Because then, in the morning, you hand me your coveted blankie, and then giggle like mad when I snuggle with it.  And my heart melts.

I love your lion hat, and the new face you make

See what a ham I can be?

 

 

But please Jacob, stop holding us in our sleep deprived prison sentence, I'm BEGGING you... I love you more then I ever could have imagined, which is lucky, because I think I would have severly hurt anyone who messes with my sleep like you do, including your daddy.

 

 

You are worth the lack of sleep, and when you snuggle with me in the morning, it is one of the best parts of my day.  And it makes up for the screaming monster you were just 2 short hours ago (if i'm lucky that you sleep that long of a stretch).  And even though one of our greatest anniversary gifts was you, one that would rank a close second would be if you slept for one night...

 

Love,

Your sleep deprived momma