A Year in Review

I had my review at work yesterday, and was told something I did not expect to hear (good, not bad news)

My boss told me that he thought "this was my best year yet".  I about fell off my chair.  I didn't feel like this was my best year ever (which I said).  I was expecting something more along the lines of, good job, but ____ or you dropped the ball too many times to count.

I honestly love my job, and love my employers.  They have been more accomodating then I could have ever hoped or thought possible.  When they give reviews, it's not just critical things or making you feel horrible.  They build you up, make you feel like you make a difference, and give legitimate honest compliments.  It's amazing the morale it can build.

He told me that he's amazed at how I have juggled this past year, how I jumped right into busy season with a newborn, that i kept up on deadlines and clients are always saying positive things about me to him. 

It's amazing how incredible a compliment can make someone feel.  It's even more amazing when they note the struggles you have had, the changes in your life, and still make it feel like you conquered more than they expected you to do.

I needed that.

I have felt like I have been struggling to find a rhythm since I've came back to work.  Ok, lets be honest, since Jacob was born.  My world was tipped on it's side and I have been fighting to right something that is no longer the same shape it has been in the past.  It's a new shape, and rather than fighting to make it fit into the way it did before, I need to instead find a new way to make it spin.  It keeps falling because I'm not being realistic.  I can't have everything back to how it was before Jacob.  It's not going to happen. 

Society expects mothers to continue on with life as it was pre baby.  And that's just not realistic.  Your whole world changes and at times, it feels like you are fighting for your life to stay afloat in all the changes and new obstacles.  My world no longer revolves around what works best for me, but instead it revolves around my son.  Rather than fighting a battle to make him mold into my world, it has been easier to mold my world around his. 

And honestly, it's easier to do it that way than fight it.  Yes, your schedule changes, and now rather than happy hours and late nights, it's early mornings, and making sure you are home for nap time.  Sometimes I wonder, what did i do with all that free time?  I feel more fulfilled now than I ever thought possible. 

It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And occasionally, I am still trying to force that old routine into rotation, but it fails.  And each time I'm shocked.  I don't know why, I know it's going to fail, but it's so easy to fall back into old habits.  So, instead I will keep working on the new way.  On working full time, and when I am at work, being the best I can be.  I know it won't be the best I could be pre baby, but things change, and expectations change, priorities become more in focus.  And that's ok, because I think it's better to strive to be the best I can in the new routine, then wasting time trying to make it like it was before. 

Besides, if I accept and work on this, I will be happier and less frustrated, making me a better mother and wife.  Not to say tomorrow (or 5 minutes from now) I won't be trying to make it work the old way, but if I find myself doing that, rather than keep fighting with it, I will give in, and adjust my expectations. 

Eventually I won't even think about it or struggle as much.  I have found more of a groove in the past 2 months than I have in awhile.  I know more things will change as time goes on, but I'm not going to worry about that now.  WHat's the point?  Why waste energy on things that may happen, when i can focus on what is present in my life here and now. 

Becuase even though I might be a struggling mess on the inside, surprisingly, I come across as quite stable and on top of things to the rest of the world.  Which makes me think the people I am judging myself against thinking they have it all figured out, are the same way.  And that gives me hope.