Monday night was a bittersweet night for me.
It was Jacob's last nursing. Yes, at just shy of 15 months, I am done with nursing.
**This post might be TMI, but I warned you ahead of time***
The breastfeeding journey has been a bumpy road for us. At first, I wasn't even really sure if I wanted to do it. The dependence of always being nearby Jacob, the one to get up at night, if i was away, making sure I had time to pump, the thoughts/opinions of others, the ease of using formula, I could keep going on and on.
But I did research, I took a class on breastfeeding, and the benefits that Jacob would recieve far outweighed the negatives. So, I figured I would breastfeed, and see how it goes, and my goal was to do it for 6-9 months.
Jacob was what they call a "barracuda baby" at first. That boy had no trouble latching. The nurse we had for delivery joked that if latched onto a wall, he would hang there on his own. He latched, and latched HARD. It hurt. A lot. One thing all the books don't tell you, is that the first 3 months of breastfeeding tends to be pure hell. From 3 months on, it's a breeze, just like the books say. But they don't tell the truth about the first 3.
It's hard work. You are not only trying something new, but with a newborn baby, and all these other changes going on as well. You are a hormonal mess, you get massively engorged when your milk comes in, the first few weeks to a month, if feels like you are CONSTANTLY nursing. One side took about 45 minutes. then the next side was another 30. And 90 minutes later, guess who's hungry again? That's right. Time to climb back on the couch and assume the "position".
Your nipples crack and bleed. And it hurts. The baby gets frustrated, you get frustrated, and then everyone's in tears. You leak, you get engorged, and it hurts. But, if you can get thru those first few months, one day it just clicks. The baby knows what to do, your body knows what to do, you are more comfortable, and suddenly, it doesn't hurt anymore. Instead it's this great bonding time with your baby, and when they grow, you know it's because of you.
I wish that was the only bumps in my story, but I had a few more. We brought Jacob home on a Friday. That same Saturday night, we were being rushed to Children's by ambulance because Jacob had thrown/spit up blood. It was midnight, and I had just finished nursing him. Mike was still up with us. I had sat Jacob up to burp him and out comes bright red blood. All over the boppy (a must have for nursing, btw). I was panicked, had Mike call 911, because you aren't rationally thinking when your 4 day old baby pukes up blood. They told us to keep him awake. Seriously, it's not easy to keep a baby awake if they want to sleep. So off to Children's we go, with the boppy. Since we brought the boppy in, which had the blood on it, they ran tests off of that first, to not subject Jacob to any tests. Turns out it was my blood. Yep, mine.
When Jacob had been nursing, somehow he had popped a blood vessel in me and swallowed the blood. At this time, I had very cracked and bleeding nipples (buy lanolin cream, another must have for nursing). By Wednesday, I had severe flu symptoms and a massive fever. My breast become severly engorged and a deep nasty red. I had mastitis.
Mastitis is something that i would not wish on my worst enemy. It's unbelievebly painful. And you feel like you got hit by a Mac Truck. The worst part, you should keep nursing through it, because it makes it worse if you don't. But when you have a breast the size of a volleyball and you want to scream and shove razors in your eyes when a baby is nursing, it's not the most pleasurable thing in the world.
I had several cases of mastitis from then until September, yes of this year. I think i had it 9 times. I learned during this that I am allergic to penicillan, had a fever over 105, and ended up hospitalized for 3 days. But I kept nursing, which I know some people thought I had lost it at that point. But, I figured if you should nurse through it, by the time i was over it, it didn't hurt again, so why stop?
I also got a yeast infection on the nipples. This was due to the antibiotics killing all the good bacteria. This is also painful. Like a deep throbbing ache. This also happened multiple times.
I met with a lactation consultant because of the mastitis issues, and had tried exclusively pumping for awhile. This was a joke. You are doing all the work of breastfeeding, plus the work of bottle feeding. It's hard. I did this for almost a month, before going back to nursing. Luckily Jacob did not have nipple confusion switching from breast to bottle. The LC had told me I wasn't producing enough and I would have to supplement with formula. Mike says if the LC hadn't told me that, I would have given up BFing sooner, but since someone told me I can't do something, I was going to prove them wrong. (He's probably pretty right on this aspect). I refused to supplement and tried harder. I took fenugreek, ate oatmeal, drank tea, took acidophylus, prenatal vitamins, and read kellymom.com like it was my Bible. (it is the go to bible for BFing)
When I had mastitis, I would drink uber cold water when Jacob latched on to decrease the pain. I wore cabbage leaves on my breasts (also for pain), i would soak my breast in hot water before nursing to have a quicker letdown so it didn't hurt as much. I read more of kellymom.com. I got great advice, never quite nursing on a bad day. And not to have a goal of a month, 3 weeks, or a week. Just have a daily goal. Today I will nurse. Or even, at 1 I will nurse, and then decide if i will again after that.
It was hard, and I don't think all people have the struggles I did. But I also think not everyone tells you the truth about how difficult the first few months are. And unless you have support, it's even harder. But, I got thru each round of mastitis, and kept nursing, I flew by the 6-9 months and kept nursing, I stopped pumping in Oct and kept nursing before bedtime. Just once a day.
But, it was time to end. I am not producing as much, and I have doubled the amount of time i thought I would nurse. I loved it, and hated it. But, when it was the last time last night, and I looked down at his fuzzy head as his little chubby hand rubbed my chest and arm, I was already missing it. I know BFing isn't for everyone, and this is not a post about what someone should do. This was my experience, and I wanted to share it. That way if others go thru similar stuff, or have questions on it, I can hopefully help.
I will miss that special snuggle time with Jacob, but I know I will get still get his snuggles.
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